Midnight Thoughts Before Departure

On February 21st, I will ride El Al Israel Airlines from New York to Tel Aviv.

Actually, the airport is not in Tel Aviv. It's in Lod. I know that because I used to work for a travel agency. I also know that because I have a habit of knowing that sort of thing.

I want blog because I want people to know about what I've seen. Or, to be more accurate, I want the comfort of knowing that anyone in the world can read what I'm writing about, should they make the choice.

I was going to watch Lawrence of Arabia tonight to put myself in a different state of mind. It's been a while since I've seen Peter O'Toole trek across the desert. In fact, I haven't seen a single David Lean epic since high school. But I feel like David Lean epics have played a significant role in forming my personality. Bridge on the River Kwai, Dr. Zhivago, and Lawrence were some of my favorite things in the world when I was in high school. The rest of the world felt so accessible then; it didn't yet feel like something I needed to worry about missing out on.

I have a dentist appointment at 11:30 tomorrow. I still have a minor but palpable urge to watch that fantastic epic. When I finish typing this entry, I may in fact do that.

I, like many people, love writing. I also am afraid to do it sometimes. I always feel like some people have an ability to become focused as soon as they start writing. I always need limits before I start.

It's usually easier for me to write when I'm tired. When I'm not tired, my fingers are capable of typing about 80 words per minute. That should theoretically be able to get me a high-paying, boring job, although it's only succeeded at getting me a job with one of those qualities.

In any case, I often type as fast, if not faster, than I think. My sentences get incredibly long and I finish them before I have decided how I want them to end.

I want to be a good writer, but I don't think my style of writing has ever developed past an imitation of Kurt Vonnegut. I first read The Sirens of Titan when I was 14 and I first felt that the writer and I were kindred spirits in the English language when I was 16. I might have been even younger. I'm 23 now. In college, I majored in English. I feel like other writers should have turned me on and altered my brain in the last five years, but, ultimately, nobody's style has had quite the same effect on the way I see words and the way I write them.

When I was in elementary school at the Hebrew Academy of the Capital District, I was pretty sure I was going to be one of the smartest, hardest-working people I knew when I grew up. I also couldn't conceive of growing up. In the middle of fifth grade, I looked at the end of my "Spelling" textbook and wondered about the person I'd be when I reached the end of the book. I thought he'd probably be unrecognizable and would be into girls, or something else shameful like that.

I also thought that Israel was where I belonged. That was because I liked palm trees and old rocks and because I went to a school called the Hebrew Academy. The places I'm about to see are things that everyone has seen on postcards. Tel Aviv, Jerusalem, the Dead Sea, Masada, and Eilat are also places whose images were taped to the walls of every classroom I entered before high school.

It wasn't until recently that I even figured out what the Occupation was. And a brief period of time after I figured that out, I thought I hated Israel as much as much of the world does. But then I realized that I only hate Israel as much as I hate the United States of America, which is to say, there's not a whole lot of hatred there. In a similar manner, I also hate money, and I strongly dislike the way my feet feel when they sweat and there's no Dr. Scholl's pad in my shoes.

Since the Israelis in Ben-Gurion Airport will stamp my passport with a 90-day tourist visa and I don't currently have a job or any courses that are worth staying with, I'll be in the country until one of the following things runs out:

1) Money
2) Things to do with the money I have
3) My visa

I decided today that I will not be packing my computer. That will take some literal and figurative weight off my shoulders. Less weight. Less things to be robbed of. And less time to write. All of these things I look forward to, for different reasons.

If I watch Lawrence of Arabia now, I will get five hours of sleep before getting novocained up at the dentist. It's a tough call.